Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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