I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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