Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
