3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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