So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am one with the molecules
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
