You made me cry and you don't even care
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize