My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
