So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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