I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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