I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
