she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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