There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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