How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
