Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
