Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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