please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
