Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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