It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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