How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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