what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
