Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Rumble strips road head = magical
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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