just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
