take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
