How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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