The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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