I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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