My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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