i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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