The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
