Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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