did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
