so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
