It's like God shit irony all over that family
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
