dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
