I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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