I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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