Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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