I faked an abortion last night.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
