From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
