I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
