He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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