I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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