You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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