I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
