I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You pole danced in your parka.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
