My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
