Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
