wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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