my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
A bitchslap is in order.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
