Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
