You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize