do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
