I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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