there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I came so hard my ears popped.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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