we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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