My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
