I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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